My mother has made me cry every single fucking day I’ve been home this week and she truly wonders why I don’t want to be here. I seriously think she’s just doing this because she knows she can’t once I leave.
Just 4 more days until I move.
Stage 3: Giving Up
It’s my last days in this town, and I’m not even going to be spending them there. It’s sad to see and think that no one seems to care and although I think it’s selfish for me to want that, it still hurts to know it’s not there. Based off the way people have been reacting to me leaving, it feels like I’m not even leaving at all and I’m just vanishing into thin air, where only people who truly liked my presence will miss me/try to contact me. I feel like whenever I try to reach out to people who have affected my life, their responses and body language just screams, “okay I get it! You’re leaving, wah wah. Go away now.” (Of course this factors out a select few). This feeling just reminds me of all the things that have been screaming in my memories, telling me to leave anyway. It’s calming to think that I don’t feel like I’m leaving much behind because of what people have shown me. It just really sucks when you feel one way, and it’s not the same on the other end. Relationships of any kind are two way streets.
I’m glad to be spending the rest of the days I have before life happens in Connecticut, where I know at least some, if not all, of my friends care about my sudden absence in Saturday parkour classes and hang-outs in freezing cold basements with me as Ike kicking everyone’s butt until the last second. Of course, I have my doubts to if they care as well, but that’s only because of my low self esteem and all but maybe one always prove to me that I’m wrong. It’s comforting, and that’s what makes me think that it’s so hard to leave now. I don’t want to leave the comforting blanket of people who care to a big world of strangers who could be swayed to either caring or not.
Don’t get me wrong, I am going to miss every single person who is/was still in my life this year and who affected me personally. I wouldn’t have made it here without each and every one of you.
I’m just giving up on trying to be sentimental when others won’t be. It’s helped me move on and hope for the best.